In my last two blog posts I’ve been touching on my mental health and how it's reached a peak. How, my whole identity was being called into question whilst trying to get an official mental health diagnosis. I wanted to write a proper blog post about it and tell you my thoughts about finding your identity. What does it mean to be you? Do we really need to define ourselves in order to live? Do we need labels or are they useful? I will attempt to answer these through my own experience.

I had a bit of a crisis in my mental health. It’s such a long story but I suffered PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) from May 2016 after a traumatic start to life with our now 5 year old. I was put on anti depressants, Sertraline, because I went to the doctors feeling suicidal. Read more about that here. They helped for a while whilst I was in recovery. I had a year off work to get better. But in the last 6 months I felt the anti-depressants were making me worse.

I have always hated Halloween.  My faith in God aside, I just don't get why evil should be celebrated.  When my Bible teaches me to think on whatever is lovely, pure, noble, right and true so that the peace of God will be with me (Philippians 4:8-9), I just can't see why anyone would want to focus on the opposite! When there is a general consensus that Halloween is 'just a bit of fun', I tend to disagree.  As a Christian, I don't think this particular holiday should be taken lightly.

It has always been a bone of contention for me.  Living at home at my parents and when I moved out in 2010, we would pretty much just turn all the lights off, lock the doors, and not open the door for anyone! Just hide away wishing it all to be over! But in the last couple of years, I've found my opinion changing.  In my walk with God, I am called to shine my light, Matthew 5:15 states that people do not light a lamp and put it under a bowl.  Instead they put it on a stand and it gives light to everyone in the house.

By turning off all the lights, locking down the house and not opening the door to anyone, am I not letting Satan have his way on this already dark night? The meaning behind that scripture is about not keeping the gift of God to myself.  To let it shine for others and illuminate His love to all.

For as long as I can remember I’ve had a strange relationship with food. I can only pinpoint a few times in my life when I’ve been a healthy weight. Apart from being pregnant, I am now at my all time heaviest weight.

Due to a combination of stress, poor mental health and being uprooted from a Church that was my spiritual family for the last 10 years or so, my eating habits have been out of control.

I tried Slimming World which seemed to work for a little while then became unsustainable. I tried following a book called ‘F.I.T, Faith Inspired Transformation’. That seemed to help for a short while too. Then I just gave up completely.

I gave in to what I was sure was an addiction I just could not control any longer.

''It was a simple trip to the supermarket. We only needed a few bits. ''Look at that," he said, shaking his head. I looked. "One for one. It's due to go below one come October". The bright LED numbers were winking at me, as I tried to make sense of it all.
"Is this because of Brexit?".
"Shocking isn't it?"
My mind started wandering. Brexit, North Korea, ISIS. Such fear, such uncertainty.
The buzz of the supermarket snapped me back to life.'

It is 3:30am. I am lying awake in bed, typing this on my phone, in the dark with my husband sleeping softly next to me. Anxiety is a funny thing. Stress and pressure can worry you to withdrawal all day long. And the overwhelm can lead to depression when it all gets too much.

There seems to be drowsiness all day. The thought of having to cope with all my worries makes me feel tired. Shut down mode. But as the day starts to turn into evening and my duties as a wife and mother draw to a close, a strange thing happens. After feeling drowsy all day and wanting to sleep, when my time is my own, I suddenly wake up! Thoughts start whizzing around. My brain is powered with plans, dreams, organising, full of hope and opportunity.

It's a wonderful feeling but the problem is, I need to get to sleep. Or tomorrow will follow the same dreary pattern. The cycle starts again. Tired, irritable and struggling through the day. But unable to sleep at night for the overactive brain.

​I've been on something of a journey trying to find a business idea that will work for me. Having my own business has been a dream for as long as I can remember. From my creative Mum talking about owning our own cafe when I was a little girl. Her passion and imagination firmly planted that entrepreneurial seed then and there!

​It's now February and here I am catching up with some new year encouragement. 2016 will be a year of restoration and more interestingly, refurbishment. What does the word mean? Restoring something to its former beauty and perhaps adding something of a new design or fresh feautures.

In my faith in God, these are also words I am hearing personally through my home Church, Southend Christian Fellowship. Words of newness, freshness, a new season, fresh annointing. And if you don't know God as I do, maybe now is the time to find out!

​The other week we had the privilege of a little trip to Great Ormond Street in London for our baby boy Eli.  His poor weight gain continues, even with the tube feeding and I hope finally we are getting somewhere! He has had some tests which are pointing towards Eli not absorbing his food properly.  We just have to wait until mid April now for the results and a plan for moving forward.  Admin these days, takes so long for everything to filter through! I just wanted to share with you some pictures and stories of our trip that I hope you find interesting enough to read on!

​One of my favourite things, rainbow colours! To describe where I was geographically, I'd come out of one exit and was standing at the top of the stairs.  I hadn't actually exited completely as I was fiddling around with taking these pics.  The light display was a rolling thing of different colours bleeding into the next, so I took my time waiting for the best combinations!