Well well well, here we are on New Year's Eve of 2025 and I realise this will be my one and only blog of the year.  Pretty much sums it up, I feel like I am not the only one to have had an absolute shit show of a 2025. For me, the title of this blog is apt because we suffered the consequences of a literal fire at my old work place.  The ensuing stress it caused, pretty much broke me and it's one of the reasons why I've moved on.  Another being a complete breakdown in communication between my Supervisor and I.  Leading to months of not being listened to, owning up to my mistakes but the other party never really taking accountability for theirs.  And, what felt like, a whole year to get the accommodations for my ADHD in place. (May've been more like 6 months but was 6 months of the utmost frustration!). Absolute joke! Add to that, it became all about the things I struggled with and not being recognised for the talents I do have.  Not being able to use them and feeling caged and frustrated! No wonder it has left me feeling deflated, depressed and burnt out! 

​Work was a major stress factor but I also had ongoing family issues, incompetent medical staff (one such incidence caused me to use my savings to go private so I didn't lose my place for ADHD meds.  All because of one jobsworth pharmacist!!).  It really felt like one thing after another.  Talking to my husband and trying to find the positives, all that came to mind was a Valentine's date night where we saw a techno band at an intimate venue in London! I highly recommend Klangphonics if you like a bit of techno! Photo of aforementioned highlight of the year!

To sum up this year, I wrote a poem.  I stopped doing these at one point.  Somewhere along the line, I remember wanting to make money from my writing.  As an elder millennial, I grew up with hustle culture.  So forget having a hobby for the fun of it.  No, you had to make it a side hustle and suck all the joy out of it.  Don't get me started on what's happened to Etsy these days.  It is no longer the jewel in the handmade marketplace.  Full of mass produced shite.  You need to look carefully for the genuine handmade sellers these days.  Everything gets sold out in the end.  But hey, the world has been burning for nearly a decade, there's no surprises at the absolute greed we live in.  All about those profit margins, the quicker it breaks, the quicker they'll get more money as we replace things.  Gone are the days of good quality and make do and mend! I digress.

I gave up on writing poems as someone told me they don't make money when published.  So I thought, 'why bother?' and tried to focus on getting published elsewhere in other formats.  The extent of this you can see on my portfolio page! As always, when it comes to hustle, the ADHD gets in the way and it just feels like an absolute mountain to climb.  The marketing, the social media, the networking.  Which is key because my published articles came from the creative communities I was involved with at the time.  See Blogtacular archives! The only paid article linked to my knowledge from decades of experience in Early Years.

Before I digress further, here is the poem.  I thought I'd do a different style of video, not just me performing it.  But a visual match of the metaphors and ideas I wanted to portray.  Here's the video and written transcript below.
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4. If you are exhausted and burnt out from what 2025 has thrown at/on you then just do this one thing.  Take some time to reflect and process your thoughts and feelings.  Especially any high emotions that have left you feeling drained.  What do you need to accept? What do you need to let go of? And what ignites your passion that you need to do more of? Reflection time is so important.  We get so caught up in survival mode that we are either too exhausted or just don't prioritise this kind of activity.  If you have the energy to focus on this and can prioritise a block of time to really work on it, this will be the most fruitful start to your year.
5. Remove unattainable expectations.  Take each day as it comes and stop expecting the world from other people too.  Take the pressure off yourself, you are not perfect and you are not meant to be perfect.  Accept your flaws, celebrate your strengths and when people piss you off, practice that phrase, 'let them'.  Just let them be dickheads and crack on mate! One thing I have learnt from this year is that I will no longer people please and put up with other people's rigidity.  I will politely address it and agree to disagree! Not mumble something passive aggressive under my breath, harbour frustrations and then eventually explode.  It is not worth my time or energy.  Let people have their opinions, even if they are stupid opinions! Let them continue on their path and leave them be.
6. Take each day as it comes.  This is my biggest piece of advice.  If you are prone to overthinking or getting disappointed at unmet expectations, remember, as much as we want to be in control, we have to be able to let it go.  For my 'tism, this is the hardest lesson to learn.  But if we can meld ourselves to some kind of calm flow state, keeping the anxiety at bay, how much more chill would that be?! Easier said than done but I really want to practice letting it all go.

I hope my poetry and advice has been helpful.  My inbox is always open.  And my Southend Neurodivergents group welcomes you! Get in touch for more info.  A final toast, death to 2025, now, it's time to rise! Happy 2026 people! Let's do this!

Title pic of sapling:
by Gelgas Airlangga from Pexels: https://www.pexels.com/photo/shallow-focus-of-sprout-401213/

'Toxic' pic of chemicals in lab:
by Davide Baraldi: https://www.pexels.com/photo/glass-bottles-on-shelf-1771809/

Photography used in my video
​
Christmas background: https://www.pexels.com/@shkrabaanthony/Anthony Shkraba studio


Person sitting by a wall is Pixabay: https://www.pexels.com/@pixabay/


Person crying is Karola G: Photo by Karola G from Pexels: https://www.pexels.com/photo/tears-on-face-of-crop-anonymous-woman-4471315/


Fire from Oussama Elhaidi: Photo by Oussama Elhaidi from Pexels: https://www.pexels.com/photo/burning-wood-on-the-ground-5159914/


ADHD brain by Tara Winstead from Pexels: https://www.pexels.com/photo/adhd-text-8378728/


Armour: Photo by Pixabay: https://www.pexels.com/photo/silver-knight-helmet-289831/


Calm: Photo by Atlantic Ambience from Pexels: https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-closing-her-eyes-against-sun-light-standing-near-purple-petaled-flower-plant-321576/


Chains: Photo by Lola Russian from Pexels: https://www.pexels.com/photo/chain-a-serial-assembly-connected-pieces-3679490/


Fireworks celebration: Photo by Rakicevic Nenad from Pexels: https://www.pexels.com/photo/man-with-fireworks-769525/


Balloons: Photo by Padli Pradana from Pexels: https://www.pexels.com/photo/five-assorted-balloons-772478/



Hand reaching out: Photo by Lukas from Pexels: https://www.pexels.com/photo/person-hand-reaching-body-of-water-296282/

Phoenix: Photo by RAFAEL  QUATY from Pexels: https://www.pexels.com/photo/close-up-of-wood-and-ash-in-fire-7249855/


Gladiator flames: Photo by jordan besson from Pexels: https://www.pexels.com/photo/viking-warrior-with-fire-shooting-weapon-in-forest-29189044/


Burnt book: Photo by Joy Marino from Pexels: https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-holding-burned-book-3054154/


Cage (fence) Photo by Jimmy Chan from Pexels: https://www.pexels.com/photo/sun-over-the-cyclone-fence-949557/


Handcuffs: Photo by Pixabay from Pexels: https://www.pexels.com/photo/low-section-of-man-against-sky-247851/

Any other photography used and not credited here are my own and subject to copyright.  Please ask permission before sharing!

The idea of this is to create a sparkly background using the mica powders and then simply top with card toppers, a Christmas sentiment and some finishing touches of gems or pearls.  I was feeling a bit bored of using background papers.  Which is what I usually start with, then finish in the same way.  I've been desperate for some creative time.  This way, I got to relax with the making of the backgrounds.  It was definitely what I was craving! Being able to switch off and get in the flow.  Thinking about what colours would suit my recipients and designing each card with them in mind.  I love putting this much thought into it and really thinking about what they would like. 

I've tried to take two different angles here, one so you can see it as it is.  And one angled for the shine.  This dull winter weather makes it tricky for photos but you get the gist! This was an extra card I did that I'm not quite sure on the colour combo.  But I think, once I add the toppers and bits, it'll probably look alright as a whole! Once the background is done, it's the 'messy middle' (often spoken about in the 'Get Messy' art community).  Where you have to trust your creative process.  This is also helped by taking a break to let it dry.  I can start losing focus or start doubting my art.  Being able to stop, take a step back and come back to it fresh, certainly helps me to re-focus! I have the habit of not knowing when to stop.  So having to let it dry is a good added step for the discipline of this!

​Here are the specific steps to recreate your own:
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1. Choose your colours.  I would pick two or three that compliment each other or contrast well.

2. You can do this next step either way, spray with water first, then sprinkle with the powder.  Or vice versa.  It creates the same result but probably gives more dopamine to spray first then see the powder spread out into the puddles of water! When you do it the other way, powder first, it just kinda blasts the powder off the card when you spray! 😂

3.  Add some water colours in any blank spaces in similar colours to keep the scheme consistent.  Let it all dry.

4. Add a Christmas image card topper, a Christmas sentiment and then finish off with your embellishments.

And that's it! If you're an avid crafter such as myself, where card making was once a hyper focus, I'm sure you will have a graveyard of left over craft stash! 😂👌Mica powders can be bought easily from Ebay, Amazon etc.  Having searched on Ebay, you can pick up a small set of 6 different colours, such as this one for under £4.  All you need to resurrect an old hyper focus and enjoy a new one at the same time, genius!

I hope you're enjoying your Christmas and get all the rest, joy and peace you need! Here's to 2025, strap in, I reckon it's gonna be a wild one! 😲🤯

Not quite sure how to start this.  I want to talk about resonation of frequencies, but in terms of literally feeling on the same wavelength as someone else.  Now, if you have ADHD, then using your intuition and being able to read the room will most likely be one of your strengths.  It is for me.  But I recently had a bit of a crisis, where I found a male person that resonated so strongly on the same frequency, I was willing to wreck my marriage in pursuit of more of that feeling!

I am a Christian, so you may well judge me and ask where my faith principles disappeared to.  Well! When it comes to a dopamine deficit, and living my whole life under some unknown mask.  After feeling the liberation of removing that mask and finally getting to the point of not only a deeper understanding of my limitations, but also, accepting them! I think I just get far too excited when I find my ADHD people that I really resonate with.

​As a late identified adult of ADHD, especially as a woman and wrongly mis-diagnosed with first Schizophrenia, then Bi-polar disorder.  Then, getting towards the right track from the Psychiatry team of, not Bi-polar but a 'mood disorder. Not otherwise specified'.  To then thinking I was Autistic. To finally landing on ADHD.  It's been an absolute whirlwind these last few years.  So I see this slip up in my supposedly strong morals as just another mistake in finding my feet with all this.

My conclusion and my solution is that, if I get such a buzz from connecting with someone on my supposed frequency (I'll get to the faith vs science bit in a minute.  As I want to go deeper into that too!) then I just need to find, foster and nurture female friendships where that resonation is strong! I met a mutual friend the other night.  Another fellow female ADHDer.  We were on a night out, alcohol was involved.  But there was a moment where we were all sat together near the end of the night, bouncing off each other's vibes and just cackling away with it all! It was just so much fun! So, yes please, more of that, 'cause it give me life! As the saying goes!

A very dear friend had said this to me a while ago.  I was talking about the fact that I must stop diagnosing people that I can clearly spot the ADHD traits in! I keep calling them out as I just get so excited to find someone on my wavelength! And this dear friend of mine said something along the lines of, after going through life knocking against people, when you finally mesh with someone, it makes a huge difference.  That there is bound to be a lot of excitement involved! And she's always right.  I've gone through my life trying to find the place I fit in.  It's certainly why I've always loved my Church family, whatever Church community I've been a part of.  Because, if they're doing it right, Christians shouldn't judge.  I've always felt, if I have Jesus in common with someone, they'll automatically accept me, no matter how much they might not even like me! So all the sub conscious anxiety about not fitting in, fades away.  And I relax and just enjoy the fellowship.

And talking of my faith.  A few words on believing in frequencies.  I run a Neurodivergent group in my local town of Southend-on-Sea, 'Southend Neurodivergents'.  Where I organise two in person meet ups a month for us ND folk.  Born out of the need to 'find my people'.  For me, it's my therapy.  I love helping and supporting others too, a big dopamine hit.  So it works both ways! Anyway, I met a lady through my group who used to be a nurse.  And she told me some science behind the idea of being able to 'read people's energy'.  I've always thought of this as a bit 'woo'.  A bit too new age for my Christian faith and have left well alone.

Time to dust off the blog! Nearly a whole year since I published a blog.  Let's just say, a lot has happened in the last year.  Which I'm hoping to get round to writing about, especially in terms of my neurodivergent journey.  But, as a late identified, self diagnosed adult with ADHD, I think you know what the outcome will be! Cue hilarious giggles...

I wanted to start off with the question 'is blogging dead?'.  In the time between my last published blog, back when I was still working at my local Museums in Southend (alas, that job is no more), and this blog now, I have seriously contemplated whether to just get rid of this thing! I do have a Google Adsense account, but it literally pays £0.01p, maybe every few months! I recently checked my Domain Authority and it's so low, 7! Ideally I'd want it to be at least in the 20s if I had any hope of getting picked for blogging campaigns! So in terms of financial, it doesn't make me any money and where I've neglected it, it doesn't have a decent internet presence in terms of being 'seen'.  (I don't think having a website host particularly helps either but I absolutely do not have the time to start learning code and build my own website!).

So 'why am I still bothering with it?', I hear you ask! Well, the blog has always remained as a creative outlet for me.  To share my deep thoughts and latest connections.  I don't want to lose that.  In this last year, trying to find a way back to myself with all the upheaval of the ADHD acceptance, I feel like coming back to my writing is another way of rediscovering myself.  I feel like I lost a lot of things in just trying to survive as a neurodivergent in a neurotypical world.  That I lost a lot of my creative endeavours.

​Another justification for letting this go was the worry that, in this day and age, does anyone actually bother to read blogs? I feel like it's all reels, Tik Tok, fast paced, everyone is so busy, who can be bothered to sit there and read a blog? I did a Google deep dive on this particular phrase of whether blogging is dead in 2024.  The resounding answer was surprising! That it's still going strong and not dead.  I guess the answer is all about the niche.  There will certainly be a call for certain blogs according to popular topics.

This article here gives some really good advice for those wanting to make money from a blog here in 2024: Is Blogging Dead in 2024? - The Creative Impact

It echoes my sentiment about finding your niche. That people search for knowledge, problem solving and education.  With this in mind, it makes sense to hone in on one particular topic in order to give informative and relatable content.  Whilst blogging isn't dead, if you want to make any kind of financial profit from it, as with all things technological, we need to update as time marches on.  With the right strategies, it is possible to make money from blogging.

My niche going forward is going to be focused around neurodivergence and top tips on managing it.  As I said, life is hard as an ND living in an NT world! I have a few ideas for upcoming blog posts and I hope to make a go of this.  It would certainly be nice to earn more than a few pennies!

So watch this space!

 A good few weeks ago now, we had 'Meet the Artists' happening at The Beecroft Art Gallery, in my local town of Southend-on-Sea. I often pinch myself with my job as a Visitor Engagement Officer in my local museum service.  I feel so blessed to have a job where I can share my deep thoughts on art and history.  It's the perfect job for me! So I was most excited to have a chat with Jennie about her work in the current Double Take exhibition.

Upon thinking of the title of the exhibition, I love how it all fits together.  The literal double, as in two artists on show.  Jennie's and Simon Monk.  But both artists have different reasons why you might look, then look again.  I identified more with Jennie's work and this blog will mostly be about my connection and reactions to her work.  But I still appreciated Simon's work.

Simon's 'double take' is the fact his are all trick of the eye pieces that upon first glance, just look like paintings on wooden boards.  But the more you look, the more they reveal an amazing 3D effect.  Some of the pieces you need to stand and wait for you eyes to adjust and then they really pop out of the wood canvases! Such as these 'hold tight' pieces. I haven't taken any pics of Simon's work, but seeing a flat photo on a screen really wouldn't do it any justice anyway! You need to check his work out for yourself! If you're local to Southend then I'd recommend a visit to the Beecroft, the exhibition is still on until 28/5/23! Alternatively, you can check out more on his website here.

The double take on Jennie's work comes from the deeper meaning and message she is trying to convey.  She told me a lot of women had identified on these messages and I replied that it must be amazing as an artist to have that affirmation in knowing what you're putting out there, is being picked up.  My favourite of hers was this one as above, a porcelain doll, wearing a mask, holding a chameleon, with the caption 'just trying to fit in'.

This links in so much with discovering my self diagnosis of Autism and ADHD.  The literal symbolism of masking away neurodivergent traits so as not to appear weird! I've even had someone tell me I'm somewhat of a social chameleon, being able to 'fit in' with people from all walks of life.  Never a truer word was said when you look at it through the lens of a late identified adult with AuDHD! This thing of mimicking, copying behaviour and working out what's acceptable and what's not.  Trying to blend in and not stick out like the true weirdo you really are! Of course, these days, after revealing this final layer of myself, I've allowed myself to fully embrace the weird.  Take off the mask, and find the balance of being myself but not letting it be an excuse to just bulldoze around being blunt/inappropriate/annoying or however my ND traits may be perceived! It's a tricky one!

This one really spoke to me also.  It's called 'try me'.  A porcelain doll, with a beheading black mask across her eyes, holding an axe, dressed in red and surrounded by a trellis of red roses.  Let's just say, when my sensory overload has become too much, I end up holding on to a lot of anger.  My nerves are so frayed, this is what someone on the verge of a melt down looks like to me! Holding an axe, very defiantly, and whispering 'go on, just try me'.  The juxtaposition of holding in all that rage, keeping cool and collected, and yet, desperately wanting to use that axe if prompted!

I describe it to my 9 year old as a 'Hulk' moment.  That feeling of rage and out of control nature can just flare up out of what feels like, nowhere! In the blink of an eye, the realisation that I've pushed myself too far (in terms of using up all my spoons/energy/resources). I'm given a stark reminder that I'm completely dysregulated and need some down time to calm my frazzled nervous system.

This one, showing a bookcase with a statue head at the top I also loved.  It's titled 'way out' and to me, shows the obvious that books and knowledge can be a way out.  The heads in grey at the bottom, with bars over them.  Leading up to the white statue head at the top, without bars.  Books can certainly be a way out for me, a way to escape my busy mind, to focus on another world and be immersed in my imagination.  You could also see this as knowledge being a way out to a better life.  Qualifications often equal better jobs for example.  I just love everything about this piece.

I loved these tile pieces. From left to right the titles are: 'Interior'; 'Look out'; and 'The Visit'. Lots of interpretations on these ones. 'The Visit' is the most obvious as you can see the bottom painting behind bars so it suggests a prison visit. But you could take this deeper with how the paintings of both the woman at the top and the person behind bars are all boxed in. You could say the woman is visiting parts of her that she wants to keep behind closed doors. Internal demons/anxieties/pain perhaps.

'Interior' to me suggests being boxed up as part of the furniture. Or feeling so internal that we hide ourselves away inside. And then the same with 'look out'. Feeling on the inside, looking out at the world outside. All of these link in with that similar theme.

The doll with the mask and chameleon was in a row with each porcelain doll holding a different insect/creature. One with a ladybird entitled 'fly away'. One with an octopus/squid like creature titled 'anguis'. Spiders, scorpions, eggshells. When I spoke to Jennie during our 'meet the artists' chat, she told me that the idea was to show all the anxieties we can end up holding. That we can be expected to just carry these and 'get on with it'. Especially for women in a patriarchal society!

If you're local to Southend, I would highly recommend a visit to the Beecroft Art Gallery whilst this is still on.  There are other exhibitions going on alongside this one and Central Museum is just next door! Check out the Southend Museums website for up to date info of what's on! I say again, I love my job and thoroughly enjoyed the chance to chat to Jennie and Simon.  I really feel privileged to be a part of Southend's culture.  To find out more about Jennie's work, click here.

After shutting down my Etsy shop and leaving the Indie Roller community of creative indie biz owners, I felt a little lost.  I think as humans, we have an innate desire to belong and be a part of something perhaps, bigger than ourselves.  Being a part of somewhere we can find like minded people and share our thoughts, feelings, ideas around any given subject.  Be it hobbies, faith, intellectual, arts and culture, creativity and so on.  As a highly sensitive person and a deep thinking introvert, I really thrive in an environment where I can share all my inner ramblings, spark discussion and just enjoy everyone's different points of view.  A place to inspire and be inspired, excite and get excited but also find comfort and support for things I may be struggling with.  People I can relate to that get what I'm rambling on about! It's one of the reasons I write this blog.  I often have a lot of thoughts to process and putting it down on here is one of those outlets.  When we find that place of connection within the right community, it can work wonders for our general well being and sense of self.

In my search for a new online community to replace the Indie Roller hole I suddenly found myself with, I stumbled across the Anti-Burnout Club run by Bex Spiller.  It's centred mostly around mindfulness/wellness including things such as Yoga/Pilates, breath work/meditation but also central themes that come in the way of 'challenges' to sign up for.  I joined for the 'Summer of self-confidence' challenge that started this year in 2021.  It's a lovely online community that is full of like-minded people who want to grow and work on themselves using all of the lessons and techniques that are part of the content Bex produces.

​This month's theme has been connection which is what sparked the idea for this blog.  One of the questions that started us off was 'what does connection mean to you?' and to think about the different areas we connect with.  This was my flow chart of word association that came from a day where I woke up feeling the need to be loved and nurtured.

That day, I was on the tail end of recovering from Covid (I had it in December 2020 and it was horrendous.  Physical side effects I could cope with and wasn't hit too bad but for me, with my existing mental health, the aftermath was awful.  I think it must've coincided with a depressive phase of my bi-polar cycles as the brain fog was what I can only describe as the 'zombie phase' utter blankness that meant I couldn't even answer what my name was! Let alone give any kind of opinion or have any ability for basic decision making or general cognitive function! Not pleasant!) which, compared to that horrendous description of the December 2020 variety, was very mild indeed.  I would say it was gone in a week from start to finish.  So this day was the only day of brain fog I experienced.  I'd had a very bad morning which started with me failing to remember to buckle my 7 year old into his seat belt (this was quickly remedied) and then nearly getting rammed into the back of us by a speeding car as I was trying to pull out of a tricky side road! I was in a bit of a state that morning! I had a chat with a very good friend of mine, also a fellow HSP (highly sensitive person) who is very intuitive and able to give similar revelations/recognise behaviours etc.  Something she pointed out was that after shutting down the Etsy shop, I had stepped away from it all to the point of neglecting my creativity.  That I had forgotten to maintain it as a hobby.  As a creative, it is so important for me to be able to not only use my creativity but to express it also.  I sat down and created this piece with watercolour pencils, gouache paint and standard watercolours.

Another thing I had realised in terms of filling the gap with an online community was that I had joined ones such as Popsy and Carolina Dress Room that only fuelled an obsession of spending too much on pretty dresses! I realised that it was an easy fix to receive joy from as a colour lover and the art of the prints in terms of also feeding my creativity in that way.  An easy way to be accepted after feeling like I was never really up to the standard of others in the Indie Roller crowd.  There always seemed to be a select few that would get the most responses/praise/highest sales that were practically held up as idols in the group.  Leaving me with a sour taste in my mouth and always feeling a little less than.  And when I tried to post my feelings about comparison, including a link to a very interesting article on the subject, not only did I get few responses, someone also reported it to Facebook as Spam and my whole post got removed! What a way to pour salt on the wound! I think they just got fed up with me asking for support on not feeling good enough! At one point the rules were changed to the extent that you weren't even allowed to rant or moan! I hated that rule! Toxic positivity can jeff off! It was hard to 'stay in my lane' when it felt like my lane wasn't really going anywhere! 😬So after all that vulnerability and hurt, what was easier than just buying a dress to be a part of something?!

There is also a bone of contention with these FB groups.  They are the epitome of modern marketing.  Peer to peer selling is where it's at these days.  You see the product on 'real life people' not just a stylised shot in  a studio that is obviously far removed from 'real life'.  It's the FOMO of new products being constantly released.  It's the idea you can buy into this lifestyle and be accepted just for wearing a pretty patterned dress.  It's absolute madness! Gone are the days where a paper catalogue would drop through the door.  For me it was the Joe Browns one I loved in terms of the pretty patterns/prints and quirky styles and colours.  I would enjoy just sitting down, taking the time to relish and get excited by all the colours/prints/patterns, maybe circling some I loved, making a small wish list and would treat myself every so often.  If you think about it, a fashion catalogue might be released twice in the year, Autumn/Winter and Spring/Summer.  That's reasonable on the old budget.  Not new releases every week! I'm so aware of the impact this is having on us all.  FOMO is real and I hate it as a marketing tactic. However, I still love the products but after buying 5 Popsy's and 10 items from CDR, I'm putting a cap on it right there! Photo collage below for you to behold the beauty of these products.... feel the fear! 😂 Popsy on the left and Carolina Dress Room on the right.

Realising my need to find an online community that specifically feeds and inspires my creativity, (because, despite the hard parts of the comparison trap with Indie Roller, I really enjoyed seeing and engaging with everyone else's work!) I joined Grayson Perry's Art group on Facebook! It has been lovely to feed my soul drinking in everyone's work on there.  Not to mention joining in a few debates over some divisive pieces! Love a bit of that! It's also inspired me to get painting and to be more disciplined in setting aside specific time to get creative as a hobby.

I've already spoken about the pitfalls of the pandemic, including loss as a subject in terms of losing Debenhams.  But let's not forget how much disconnection it brought us too.  We may've changed the way we communicated and everybody (well, most) jumped on the Zoom video meeting bandwagon.  Online services for places such as Church communities for example.  But taking away that vital face to face was a huge detriment to our souls.  My faith suffered terribly during that time, not being able to meet in person.  I found I didn't have the discipline to sit and make a point of watching the online services as I wouldn't get up in time or other things would be going on at home to distract me from truly being present.  When you set aside the time to go somewhere in person, you make an easy subconscious choice to put away all distractions and just 'be' there, listening, setting your smart phone aside and leaving it on silent and really engaging with what's going on.  Never mind the fact that for me and as it should be for most others, Church is always about the people.  By not going in person, you miss that vital support that being part of a Church community will bring.  Someone to sit and pray with you, ask how you are and and are generally invested in the long winded answer and as a general encouragement in your faith and day to day life.  I'm not a disciplined person at the best of times so trying to struggle through that time was hard.   We all need encouragement for most things in life so suddenly feeling without it felt quite lonely, trying to connect with my faith, just me and God and no one else!

​I'm going to leave you with this Ted talk on addiction.  The end line states that the opposite of addiction is connection.  Johann Hari talks about an experiment called 'rat park' and so much of this resonates with the isolation we all suffered during those awful lockdowns.  How many people overindulged in things such as alcohol and food as a way of coping during that time? Another line in this talk is this: "if you can't bond because you're traumatised, isolated or beaten down by life, you will bond with something that will give you some sense of relief".  Wow! Have a listen as it is really interesting what connection means to us and how important it is to find purpose and meaningful connections in our lives.

It's been so long since I last wrote a blog, I don't know where to start.  Especially since the world has been upside down for the past year or so.  I have had so many emotions throughout this whole Covid 19 pandemic and have wanted to sit down and write a blog about all of it many times.  But, as I think it has been for most through all of this, I've mainly been living in survival mode and collecting my thoughts enough to write some kind of coherent ramblings has obviously proved too much thus far.

One of the biggest themes for me has been about a sense of disconnection.  The lack of physical contact, being shut off from everyone through all the lockdowns and this constant fear of catching/spreading the virus which turns into the biggest anxiety when just being around other people.  It's all been too much.  It really struck me when our Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, revealed the recent 'roadmap' out of restrictions here in the UK.  (It even feels weird stating my country knowing the fact this has affected people globally!).  The last part of unlocking for 21st June that stated 'no legal restrictions on social contact'.  It struck me as such madness that we have been living in a world where it has actually been illegal to simply socialise with other human beings!!

​Another big theme in all this has been a sense of loss.  It feels like we have lost so many things this past year, some albeit, temporarily.  And others for good.  One of the victims in all this was a long standing department store here in the UK, Debenhams.  Now, it's not a new thing, losing these kind of shops and the pandemic certainly wasn't the only factor to contribute for Debenhams.  We also had BHS, another department style store that fell into administration in 2016.  Let's not forget the likes of Woolworths too, a low end version, but that went even earlier in 2009.  In this modern world of online shopping, we don't need these kind of stores anymore.  Gone are the days where we all had the time to go for a jolly down the high street and have an actual day out browsing the shops.  These days we are anxiety driven stress heads that seem to only have the time to click a few buttons on our smart phones, enjoy next day delivery and get on with our days.  The likes of Debenhams is just an outdated model that doesn't fit this fast paced, technology driven world.

But losing it in the midst of a pandemic has made it so much more emotive for me.  It almost feels like the straw that broke the camel's back.  Just one more thing to add to the list of Covid 19 casualties.  Especially considering the company that bought it.  If department stores are out, then fast fashion is indeed, in.  Insidiously, it has crept up on us.  Perhaps it was the 2008 recession.  We got used to paying less and now it's all about the bargains.  Boo Hoo were making headlines not that long ago for investigations into slavery in their Leicester clothes factory.   It's hardly surprising considering the cheapness of their products.  We surely can't all be ignorant to the fact that someone pays a price somewhere down the line.  Cheap clothes = cheap labour.  Now, my wardrobe is not completely devoid of cheap, fast fashion labels but I do prefer to pay more to get decent quality in return.  Something that won't turn into a bobbled mess after a few washes.  Debenhams seemed to have an accessible price point for good quality clothes.  When I heard that Boo Hoo bought it, my thoughts were 'they will butcher it!'.  You really do get what you pay for these days.

Another thing I will miss is the lingerie.  I have bought my bras from there for many years now so I know what size I am in the particular styles that suit me.  I always used to go in the store to get fitted also.  I want to use an actual person with the expertise, not have to faff about with sizing charts, measuring tape and online quizzes to try to do it myself! On a practical note, I will now have to start again with the likes of Marks of Spencer as this will be the only type of this store left in the high street that will offer this kind of service! Very frustrating!

I visited Debenhams in my local high street of Southend-on-Sea for the closing down sale.  Proving my point, as sad as I was about it all, I still couldn't resist a bargain, how bittersweet.  There was a queue outside and as I stood there, taking in the depth of this fallen empire, thoughts going around my head, I composed a poem.  And as soon as I walked in, looking at the empty shelves, everyone milling about, I burst into tears.  The entirety of it all just really hit me.  All of these things, the frustration over my underwear, the sense of loss, the rise of fast fashion, the end of an era and all these people losing their jobs to top it all off.  I keep telling myself 'it's only a shop'.  But it's so much more than that.  It's a whole moment of history.

Living in a dystopian world
Hovering like vultures
Waiting to tear at the scraps
Of a fallen empire
Lost to the world of fast fashion
This is our legacy

Muzzled up
We wear our masks
Virtue signalling
Living in fear

People tut at the lines
'Are they that sad?'
They imply
'It's closing down'
A small shrug
No-one cares

Walking in
Emotions rise
Tears in my eyes
This is what has become
It's all come undone

The empty shelves
A fallen empire
The last vestiges of decency
A world long since passed
To be buried
To be forgotten
​Fast fashion will consume us all

I hope my poem conveyed the depth of my reflections and emotions.  I would love to hear your thoughts on it all.  Are you bothered Debenhams is closing down? How has it affected you, if at all? What do you think about fast fashion? Please do let me know in the comments or drop me an email, I do so love a deep discussion! What a crazy time to be alive, stay safe people!

I was craving doughnuts as today is Friday, which means treat day! So off I toddled to my Sainsbury’s local after the morning school run to grab a 4 pack of their plain glazed doughnuts 🤤🤤🤤. I’ve been trying to curb my binging lately as I’ve been taking treat day too literally and eating every last bit of fat and sugar in my sight! Essentially cancelling out my good work of sticking to a calorie deficit all week! I started logging my calories on these days, of which I also allowed myself two of them a week! I previously was giving myself free reign on the treat days and not calorie counting at all. To my absolute horror, I discovered I was consuming around 3,500/4,000 calories for the day!! I think I even managed to do 5,000 at one point! 😱 But if you eat rubbish all day long it’s not hard to do! No wonder my weight loss had stalled over lockdown. We had a bit of a tough time, which is a complete other story. But, if you’ve read my previous posts about my emotional attachment to food, (read more here) I was in complete comfort eating mode as a coping mechanism. Now things are easing off and settling down again, I’m back on it!

So, I managed to just buy one pack of doughnuts and also snuck in a tub of Jude’s clotted cream ice cream. We’re running low on our Rossi vanilla so always good to have a back up! As soon as I saw the doughnuts, the burger combo suddenly came to mind and hit me like ‘BAM! That’s what I’ll have as my one treat today!’. Essentially, in terms of my diet, on my non calorie deficit days, I’m trying to keep my maximum calorie intake to my normal metabolic rate. Which is currently 2,400 for the weight I’m at. So this doughnut burger was certainly doable!

I managed to keep the calories down to 650 for the entire burger because I just used up a bit of generic breaded chicken from my freezer. Asda’s own brand of southern fried breaded chicken fillet. Which was 170 cals, 460 for the doughnuts and 18 for a half a tbsp of light mayo. Now if you want to go all out and make it truly calorific then I would suggest using Aldi’s buttermilk chicken thigh burger! At 324 cals it certainly bumps it up a little, bringing the total to 802. But they are sooo good! We’ve used these when recreating a KFC tower burger. Ketchup or salsa on the bottom, then the chicken thigh burger, processed cheese slice, hash brown, mayo and finally, shredded iceberg lettuce. Very very yummy! I would also recommend using Krispy Kremes for the doughnut bun as they are far superior in my opinion! The only place that sells them locally around my way is a Tesco superstore that’s a good 20 mins drive. It’s a bit of a faff so I don’t get them that often. But definitely worth the effort!

Pretty simple, I layered mine up with a layer of lettuce first as the thought of spreading mayo straight onto the sugary doughnut bun seemed rather wrong! So, lettuce, (I used half a leaf of Romaine but iceberg or little gem would work just as well), slap on your mayo, then your chicken and top with another glazed doughnut. The next bit is essential if you wanna fit this in your gob! Flatten it down by giving it a good squash with the flat of your hand! Then enjoy licking the sugary glaze off of said hand! Winner!

Oh em gee!! It was absolutely mother flippin’ amazing! It was a massive thumbs up from me, so if you enjoy sweet and savoury combos I would certainly recommend it. It’s a little bit like when Joey on Friends is asked to choose between Monica’s home made jam or the Xerox girl butt naked. And he says ‘now, put your hands together’! Why choose between doughnuts and crispy chicken when you can enjoy them together! Please do let me know in the comments your fave weird food combos, surprise me!

It’s that time of year again! Ihanna’s annual Spring swap! This year marks the 10th anniversary, woo hoo! If you’re not familiar with it, the idea is to make and send 10 diy art postcards. And you’ll get 10 back. This is my 5th year of signing up and I love it! I was a bit sceptical this year what with the fact there is a global pandemic currently devastating the nation. I have a 6 year old and have been somewhat struggling with home schooling. Not to mention going a little mad as a highly sensitive person and not having much quiet time to recharge. So I was a bit worried whether I’d still manage it. But in the end, I couldn’t resist! It’s important now more than ever for me to be getting that creative time and what better excuse than doing the swap! Pandemic or not, I love the fact it forces me to make time to get creative. Having a deadline and knowing people are relying on me to receive a postcard helps keep me accountable. Granted, the postcards have been sent out the latest yet! I’m usually late in sending but this year I think is a record! Well, you know what they say, better late than never right?!

I love looking back at my postcards from my first swap until now. It shows how I've got more confident in my artistic skills each year I’ve taken part. Always great to see growth in action! For 2017’s swap, find out more about my process here. And for 2018, you can read about that here.

This year I wanted to do something a bit different whilst keeping it fairly simple. I decided to use the Brusho Crystal Colour pigment powders as I fell in love with them on first trying them out. You basically sprinkle the powder onto your page and spray with water. (Or spray first then sprinkle powder). Then once dry, you need to use a fixer such as a spray adhesive. Or hairspray for a cheaper/readily available option! It’s mesmerising to watch it all swirl around and take shape. They often come out quite dark so I had an idea to use white paint to try to tone them down. I had a little practice run to test the method, you can see these below.

I made sure to mark what was what in terms of the colours. As I frequently forget how they turn out! My method was to thickly paint white poster paint, spray with water, then add the Brusho powder. It seemed to have the desired effect in lightening up the colours. I made sure to paint in waves and swirls because the powder then seemed to really pick up the patterns.

I didn’t want to add quotes this year. For some reason, it just didn’t feel right. I had the perfect solution instead. To use good news stories from Emily Coxhead’s The Happy News. It seemed more fitting to be spreading real life good news rather than generic quotes. I then painted over the print with some gouache watercolours. If you fancy having a go, here’s the full tutorial.

Print off your postcard backsides. Glue onto watercolour paper and cut out. I use Pritt Stick for this bit as I find it’s nice and strong. I’ve had postcards turn up where the actual art part has unfortunately fallen off in the post. So you want to make sure it’s secure and gets to your recipient in one piece. I find watercolour paper the best as it’s nice and thick and so absorbs whatever paint you use well.

Choose your blocks of text from your newspaper, cut out and glue onto your card. Again, I used Pritt Stick for this bit. Make sure you leave lots of blanks space as this is where we will use the Brusho colours.

Squeeze your white poster paint directly onto the blank areas. Paint it around your card so it covers all the blank area. Create a pattern with swirls, waves, lines as the Brusho colour will really pick this up creating a beautiful effect. Keep it fairly thick as this will add texture.

Grab your water spray bottle and spray over all the white painted areas.

Now, this is where the magic happens! Take a dry paintbrush, dip it in your Brusho powder, tap off excess and then tap the loaded brush over the white painted areas. How beautiful is that?! 😍 Keep repeating this process until it’s all suitably covered.

The last step is to paint the printed blocks in a complimentary colour. I used watercolour gouache tube paint. I also mixed mine with a little bit of pva glue to give it some extra strength. As the paint could potentially soak through to the glue and make it peel off.

And here we have the finished piece! Although this was taken whilst it was still wet. The second picture shows it fully dried.

And that’s it! I did also make a Youtube video of the process so you can see the Brusho colours in action! Check it out below. I don’t have a tripod so it was a bit tricky trying to film on a stack of old vhs tapes! (How old am I?! 😂) But managed to get the right position in the end!

Here they all are in their entirety.

And here’s the postcards I’ve received in the swap this year. As I’m so late in posting this year, I’ve pretty much received all but one! I’ve added the links below for those who provided their Insta.

1. JA Krikscium
2. Aimee - insta @velvethardware
3. Ana - insta @anis_cc
4. Karen
5. Rebecca
6. Cathy
7. Debbie Viele
8. Dori
9. Louise Demetrescu

So that’s it for another year! I hope you enjoyed finding out about my process and it gave you a few ideas. Keep making time to get creative and stay safe peeps! 💕🧡💛💜

Header pic copyright of Ihanna.

With the recent BBC Two reality show/documentary ‘Who are you calling fat?’ still looming fresh in my mind, being a ‘woman of size’, I have a lot to say about the issues and debates raised in this programme.

The format follows a reality show where nine people living with obesity are placed together to live in a house. All with differing views, it makes great viewing and sparks the debate off nicely.

The two main camps were the body positivity crowd on one side and those on the other who believe in the medical implications and risks of staying obese.

I fall into the latter. Whilst I am all for loving yourself and accepting you for you, I don’t think that should shut out the possibility of change.

One of the body positivity crowd, namely Victoria, whom works as a body coach mentor, really peed me off! When Jack asked her if you could be part of the body positivity movement and still be on the path of trying to lose weight, she replied ‘no, because it’s a political movement’!! Basically, you are celebrating, nay, advocating fatness! I just cannot agree with this. How can you be loving yourself when you’re not taking care of your body? The two do not seem to go together in my opinion. I couldn’t actually believe what she was saying! How anyone would want to put themselves at risk of all the known medical implications is just madness to me!

Babs had a row with Courtney because she said she didn’t think her body was beautiful. I felt sorry for Babs because she was so down on herself for being obese that she really struggled to love herself. She was seen talking to Victoria and saying something along the lines of ‘I would make a terrible client of yours because you need to accept your views just don’t work on me’.

As much as I can empathise with Babs, I have to agree with her, not just about Courtney’s body but any fat body! Fat is not beautiful! It’s got nothing to do with how the media portrays skinny as best, nothing to do with the magazine industry’s airbrushing, or the fashion designers who want stick thin models because it’s all about the clothes and not the body showing it off. Nothing to do with this day to day conditioning we live with. Fat is just not nice to look at! Beauty isn’t only skin deep to coin a clichè and I don’t wish to sound shallow but I cannot celebrate a fat body!

You could say in the annotated photo of myself I’m basically body shaming myself. Or am I just calling out the truth of where I’m at right now? Me as an obese person, no point sugar coating it, it is what it is!

However much I don’t like the way my body looks right now, I’m not disgusted with it. I can look in the mirror and be confident in the positives - a pretty face, big eyes, full lips, high cheekbones. I love the shape of my body, the curves, my height, how everything is nicely proportioned. Not forgetting my sparkling personality! Being blessed with creative talents, my introvert deep thoughts, possessing a modicum of intelligence edged with a self-deprecating sense of humour. I am confident in being me. I have accepted my fat body because I know I’m trying my hardest to change it! I just cannot bring myself to love the fat when this is something I am reconciled to get rid of.

There is one last thing about the programme that deserves a mention as it was very poignant and made me cry! Victoria, Courtney and Babs all stood together in the high street in their swim wear, blindfolded and invited people to come and draw hearts on their bodies. It was very emotional with Babs saying ‘I’m glad I’ve got the blindfold on as it’s soaking up the tears!’. It was lovely to watch but there were certainly mixed reactions from bystanders. Some saying they were brave to do it, how wonderful it was etc. But others highlighting the realities of living with obesity.

So, where do you stand? Do you think the body positive movement is an excuse not to change? Are they really kidding themselves that fat is beautiful? Is hearing about the risks scaremongering or just a way of keeping yourself informed? Would love to hear your thoughts, please leave a comment or feel free to message me privately!