There seems to be drowsiness all day. The thought of having to cope with all my worries makes me feel tired. Shut down mode. But as the day starts to turn into evening and my duties as a wife and mother draw to a close, a strange thing happens. After feeling drowsy all day and wanting to sleep, when my time is my own, I suddenly wake up! Thoughts start whizzing around. My brain is powered with plans, dreams, organising, full of hope and opportunity.
It's a wonderful feeling but the problem is, I need to get to sleep. Or tomorrow will follow the same dreary pattern. The cycle starts again. Tired, irritable and struggling through the day. But unable to sleep at night for the overactive brain.
I was so excited when Eli was born. I had so wanted this baby and I was on cloud 9 when he arrived. I remember being in a happy hormonal fug. It was all to come crashing down. Parenthood is a shock whatever happens but we had an extra shock! I've essentially had to grieve the 'normal' child I may never have. (I say may because I am standing in faith that God will heal Eli's defective genes). It all happened so fast that it was all we could do but just get on with it. Dig our heels in and cope with what felt like fiery trial after fiery trial.
There is still a lot of work to be done as I've only just started therapy to work through my remaining trigger points, learn how better to cope with stress and heal all the hurts. I've been stable on anti-depressants since May 2016 and started back at work part tme in February this year. Exactly one year off work to rest and recover. Things are looking up. Eli's condition is much more manageable, it's not without its problems but we're definitely through the worst. I'm finally coming to terms with what we have. Not focusing on the negatives of managing his condition. Nor the 'normal' babyhood I feel we missed out on (read this post on Eli's reflux disease to give you an idea of the gruelling schedule. In the early days before we received the correct diagnosis - http://www.justcreativejulia.co.uk/blog/category/reflux-disease
So if you can identify with anything here, post traumatic stress disorder, rare genetic disorders, the general hard work that children bring. Please believe me when I say there is light at the end of the tunnel. As long as you can forgive your hurts, work on your triggers, allow for rest and healing, take all the support offered to you and trust, it will get better. Peace to you all.