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100 Happy Days - The Conclusion

9/2/2015

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In June last year I wrote a blog about the 100 happy days challenge.  I thought it was about time I gave you an update on how I got on.  Well, as I'd guessed, alas, dear reader, I did not finish it! In fact I was even a little surprised how far I did make it... 20 days! A fifth of the way, not too bad considering my history of mental health.  (See my previous blog with the poem 'Presence' for more of an insight on that particular subject).

It started like any new thing in my life.  I was quite excited with it and felt motivated.  And looking back over the photos, I remember the momentum of this continued until the 20th day where I just felt I'd had enough of it.  Suddenly, on day 21, I just couldn't be bothered with it anymore.  And I wasn't that fussed I didn't finish.  I just felt I had to be 'real' and if 20 days was my capacity to keep up a positive attitude then no big deal really.

Sometimes I feel it is a little exhausting to be that positive 24/7.  As I mentioned in the first blog of 100 happy days, for me, my life is a rollercoaster of emotion and so much can happen in one day! I'm slowly learning in my walk of faith (with God) to take one day at a time and if I have a few days where I want to enter my metaphorical cave, I'm not going to beat myself up about it.  The only danger for me is not allowing myself to dwell too long in that dark place or I find it harder and harder to climb out!

I remember when first dealing with the depression side of things.  I used to get really frustrated when people would ask me what the reason for being depressed was. 'What's causing it?' people would ask.  I just felt these people didn't understand it at all.  But then someone lent me a book about 'the human givens' approach.  This was before my walk with God became a central part of my life.

And I learnt from that, that actually, there is always a trigger for depression, but what I hadn't realised was happening, is that I would feel like I'd suddenly ended up in this dark place with no idea how I got there.  But when I received this revelation, each time it started happening I was able to look back and say, 'this event here started me on a downward spiral'.  'That event there was the trigger'.  And I learnt that as long I caught it at the beginning, as long as I didn't let it go too far, I could dig myself out before I felt completely buried with no hope whatsoever.

These days I pray through it and allow God to handle it.  But of course I still have days where I won't let Him in to help.  Whether you believe in God or not, it's all about choices.  You can choose to wallow or you can choose to do something about it.  It's never that easy and sometimes I just enjoy wallowing, it's comfortable.  I guess it comes down to balance again.  Don't beat yourself up if you need to just rest, feel a bit negative, want to indulge in some wallowing.  But equally, don't let it go too far and continue to the point of a depression you have no idea how to come back from.

It's all about managing it.  The more you go through it, the more you learn how to deal with it.  As with any hard thing in life.  As we used to say when I once worked as a prison officer (just thought I'd throw that in there!) if you don't know how to do something, then do it as often as you can! The more you practice, the more you refine it.

So let's leave it there and finish off with some happy reminiscing on my part as I show you my top ten of the 20 happy days.     

Day 3

A little while ago I bought a journal which came embossed with the idea of being a place to write things down that are 'too good to forget - thoughts, memories, ideas' etc.  Day three's happy moment was spent writing and gluing in here.  Not only do I consider myself a 'writer', I am also an emotional hoarder.  I love to document special memories, thoughts, feelings, ideas.  This little journal is further evidence of this!

Day 5

Day 6

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My baby boy, Eli, was only about 2 months old when this was taken.  I've read him stories from as early on as 6 weeks old and he's always reacted to them, even that young.  Watching and listening and drifting off when the story was over.  On Day 5, this was a lovely moment, reading 'The Owl and the Pussy Cat' and watching him fall asleep.
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On Day 6 I met a friend at our local 'Birdwood Bakery' for coffee.  She'd also had a new baby a month before Eli was born.  It was so nice meeting a fellow Mum and really encouraged me.  If you've been following our journey, Eli has severe reflux disease.  Being a new Mum is hard enough without all the things we've had to contend with.  So it was nice to know I was doing ok.  The bottom half of the picture was taken in 'The Range' to show the joy of spending some birthday vouchers.  Then the last photo shows what I actually bought! Oh the glee of a craft shopping spree!! 

Day 7

On Day 7, my happy moment was amusing myself with 'Wreck This Journal' by Keri Smith, having what I call a 'Dad shandy' (made with ale as oppose to lager!) whilst waiting for a curry at my parent's house.  Happy days indeed! And if you didn't know, 'Wreck This Journal' is fab, it gives a prompt on every page for different ways to ruin the journal.  It includes things such as 'bury this page', 'freeze this page', 'take this page in the shower with you' and so on.  I love this sort of thing!
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Day 8

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Day 8 just happened to fall on the day of my book group.  Considering this had been a dream of mine for ages, it's no wonder it was my happy moment.  It's since dissolved but out of it I've made new friends that we just meet for drinks once a month in a pub instead and discuss life, love and babies, as well as books! The other pictures show the exhibitions that were on at the time at our Focal Point Gallery in 'The Forum', Southend-on-Sea's library.  As the book group started from here.  And I had a bit of time to kill so I had a wander round.  Books, culture, art, yes we do have this to offer in Southend! We are no longer just another rubbish seaside town.  Check us out! (Link at the bottom of this blog).

Day 9

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I love a bit of history and so Day Nine's happy moment was spent browsing through this magazine.  A vintage look at the past of 'Woman's Weekly', showing the ideologies and fashions of the 1950's.  I find it so interesting to look back and see how far we've come, how things have changed.

Day 10

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Day 10 was the simple joy of family time.  Watching my baby boy start to make gurgling sounds and dinner with my husband for some quality time.  What more can be said?

Day 12

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Being a woman of size, I am of course a die hard foodie so day twelve's happy moment was this divine salad.  I cannot convey to you enough how gorgeous this was! An Abel and Cole recipe of which I'll post the link at the end of this blog for you to try out.  Fry some halloumi cheese with a bit of olive oil and freshly crushed garlic.  Then arrange some rocket and melon on a plate, add the halloumi and a squeeze of fresh lime.  Add your seasoning, a bit of black pepper and a sprinkle of herbs.  Oh my, it was so yummy!

Day 13

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This day had to be my favourite out of all the 20.  My parents looked after Eli, my baby boy while my husband and I had a day out at the BST festival in Hyde Park, London.  It was such a fantastic day I could waffle on and on about it! The top right photo was a great memory of the day.  We sat down to have our beer and ended up chatting to these two lovely ladies.  (And a third who declined to be in the picture).  On the left was Daisy, myself in the middle and Sertia (no idea how you spell that so I've written it more phonetically!) a lovely Irish lady.  We ended up having a fab discussion about faith and I love that sort of thing! Any opportunity to share the gospel or just have a little debate, I'm there! One of the conversations went like this:

Daisy: So what does your Jesus look like?
 Me: Well, you know, quite traditional I suppose. Long white tunic, beard, longish shaggy hair. That kinda thing.
Sertia: Oh yeah, that look's kinda trendy at the moment.
 Me: What, you mean like a hipster?...
Daisy: Exactly.
 Me: Jesus was a hipster!
Daisy: That's gonna go viral, someone's gonna make a song out of that...
Cue the words 'Jesus was a hipster' in a sing song voice!

It made me chuckle at the time.  Then when I googled it later, I found this phrase had been knocking about on the internet for a fair while already! I found some images but here's one I made myself!

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Another great thing about that day, was the opportunity to pray for someone within about ten minutes of getting into the venue! Again, I love that sort of thing.  I saw a girl crying and felt the urge to go and comfort her.  I went for it and asked if I could pray for her.  She was open to it and agreed, then I found God giving me the words after to speak into her situation.  I love how He does that! So when we were chatting to the ladies mentioned above, I was high on the Holy Spirit!

It was just such a great day and a perfect way to have some quality time with my husband.  Arcade Fire and Band of Skulls were also brilliant.  I do love a good festival or gig.

Day 19

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The last of my top ten highlights, day 19, was when I had some free time while my parents looked after Eli.  At first my plan was to just rest and read.  But I found myself a bit restless so I decided to bake! I find it so therapeutic, I love to have Classic FM on in the background to make it truly relaxing.  Of course, it's not quite the same these days trying to bake with Eli around! My cake of choice here was lemon whoopee pies.  They're basically like a cake sandwich! So you put the lemon cream cheese filling in the middle to sandwich them together.  In America you can buy them already packaged as 'Moon Pies'.  But they are a bit processed.  These were yummy if I do say so myself.  As for 'The Casual Vacancy', I would recommend it for a good read.  A bit sad mind you.  And now it's been adapted for the BBC.  J.K. Rowling does do well for herself!

So, there you have it.  I hope you've enjoyed an insight into the things that make me happy.  Please do get in touch if any of you have undertaken the challenge.  I'd love to know how you got on.

Here are those helpful links:

More on the 'Human Givens' approach:
http://www.therapytoday.net/article/15/45/categories/

Photo credit for 'the cave beam led my way':
http://1hdwallpapers.com/the_cave_beam_lead_my_way-wallpaper.html

For more info on 'The Forum', Southend-on-Sea's library and our Focal Point gallery:
http://www.theforumsouthend.co.uk/

The Abel and Cole recipe for the halloumi and melon salad:
http://www.abelandcole.co.uk/recipes/melon-and-halloumi-salad

Lemon whoopee pie recipe (mine came from a baking recipe book but this will work just the same):
http://sweetpeaskitchen.com/2011/05/lemon-whoopie-pies/

Enjoy!
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Prophetic Poetry - Presence

12/1/2015

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Those of you following my journey will know it is one of endurance.  Over the last few days, something had been niggling me.  At first I thought I was hearing from God and it was a revelation.  Yesterday, I had a breakthrough and realised that God doesn't tease and niggle, whose job is that? That pesky devil, the enemy of course!

Mental health can be such a taboo subject but the more we talk about it, the more people can understand it.  I've suffered from bi-polar disorder in the past and I believe I am now healed from it.  Have been off medication since 2005 and in the last three or four years I have been learning with God how best to control it and maintain an even level.  That was a long journey in itself, I found I was claiming my identity in the disorder, using phrases such as 'I am bi-polar'.  I had to accept that that wasn't what made me who I am, yes I can be eccentric and yes I can be equally depressive.  But actually, my identity is in God. I'm not bi-polar, I am a princess of God, His precious daughter, of which His love covers all.

So the niggles I mentioned were about balance.  And my past affliction was being challenged.  I've had about three, four days of being on a buzz then crash cycle, every other day and it took until yesterday for God to break through and cut through the lies.  And as God is great at turning things to good, a poem came out of it.  Afterwards I did a simple Google image search with the words 'Jesus is my balance' to check and confirm what I felt God was saying.  This image with the scales is what came up and a great article that confirmed other things I've been hearing from God lately.  Link to this article is at the bottom of the page.

Those of you following my Facebook page, I put a post up about my prayerful 'motto' for 2015 and I felt God say it was 'intimacy'.  To attend to my relationship with Him and allow all the things I want to change to flow from there.  The Jesus balance article makes reference to Matthew 6:33 about 'seek first the Kingdom and the rest shall be given to you'.  If anyone has heard of Heidi Baker, I also read her prophetic vision for the UK yesterday, after I'd written the poem.  We are about to come into the biggest revival in the history of Church! The biggest wave of His radical love for centuries.  It is such an exciting time.

But equally, I feel, it is an intense time for spiritual attacks.  If the Church is getting stronger, and those steadfast Christians out there are intent on holding onto God, no matter what the cost, then think how the devil is going to like that! He will try everything to tear us away from our loving Father God.  My fellows brothers and sisters in Christ, be wise to the works of the enemy.  We are in a time of patient endurance.  Enduring any spiritual battles, waiting patiently for the return of Jesus.  And I'm not afraid to say, I think it will happen in something like 100 years, we are that close! The significance of this revival is that God is preparing us to live fully in His presence.

So, to encourage you in your walk with Him, here is the poem.

Presence

Floating around in sin,
Feeling like I'll never win,
Doing the wrong thing.
Instead, I need to sing!

Sing of all my Father God has done.
After all, victory is won.
Bring it back to the cross,
Then I won't be at a loss.

Balance is what I need,
But only with Jesus will I succeed.
Only with God's vision
Will I find precision.

On His promises I will stand,
For I trust in His plan.
On the path of endurance I must stay,
If I give up, I will stray.

Shekinah glory feels hard to achieve,
By my faith I must believe.
He never lets go of me,
But I must not let go of Him.


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Helpful Links, Photo Credits and Final Thoughts

'People of the Presence' photo - http://www.bible-reflections.net/resource/what-does-the-bible-say-about-heaven/3095/

Talking of revival, this article gives a great reference to Revelation 21:3 talking about God dwelling with us.  This gives a good connection to explaining what 'Shekinah glory' means.  It is simply the fullness of God's presence, living our day to day lives from that place of dwelling with Jesus.  And ties in with the Matthew scripture about focusing first on the Kingdom and allowing all to flow from there.

'Following Jesus and the Myth of Balance' photo and article about being effective in our walk with God - http://blog.yanceyarrington.com/2014/07/19/following-jesus-and-the-myth-of-balance/

'Technology eye vision' photo - http://cs.brown.edu/courses/cs143/

Article and transcript of Heidi Baker's prophetic word over the UK, given in November 2014 -
http://richards-watch.org/2014/11/27/heidi-baker-prophecy-of-a-new-move-of-god-in-uk/

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Poetry time - Stand

11/11/2014

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Ok, so this is going to be a real quickie as a friend from Church has kindly taken Eli out for a little walk, and I mean little... I have about half an hour to write this, so here goes!

I really wanted to share a poem I wrote about 4 years ago on my travels to Uganda.  A Church mission that really is 'another story'! But with hearing of other friends' battles, not just my own with Eli, I was reminded of it this morning during a little prayer.  So it will be a bit Christian heavy I'm afraid but please don't let that put you off.  The main message to take from this is to not give up whatever hardship you are currently going through.

Now here's the real spiritual, crazy, out there, weird stuff that if you don't follow Jesus, you may not understand or care to.  So skip this bit if that's you! I just feel, in these 'end times' that the enemy is going to do everything it takes to lead us away from God.  It is a real test of faith when life throws some crap at you.  I know I've had crises of faith in the past because, as Joyce Meyer says, being a Christian is not for the faint hearted!

I needed to keep this short so I don't want to do my usual and waffle on without really making a point.  The point is, God is love and whatever He puts us through or allows the enemy to work in our lives, He always turns it for good.  He is a Father, that disciplines us for a reason.  I know, when tough times come, there is always something to learn! My journey is about enduring.  Not just persevering until the end, but actually enduring it for as long as it may continue without even knowing when it will end! And the end result is strength! And not our own but learning to 'let go, and let God' and trusting Him that His hand is on our lives and we are safe, secure and loved by Him.  Remember, all things can be done in His strength.  And our weakness is made perfect in His strength.

So this poem basically sums up the need to keep fighting, to keep making the right choices, to keep going with the flow, no matter how hard that is sometimes! As with a wave of water, it's much harder to stand against it, you just get washed away.  Whereas, if you stand with your back in line with the flow of the water, you can't see the waves coming but you can hear them.  You can feel their rhythm.  And when the wave comes, it carries you.  Think about it.  Here's the poem:

Stand

The battle we will fight,
With Your strength and might,
Come what may,
Nothing can stand in our way.

Everyday we have a choice,

To leave our troubles at the door,
Submit to You and rejoice!
To lay everything down,
Let You take away our frowns.

To let You lead us,

To let You feed us,
We bite into Your word,
And apply the good news we have heard.

The battle we will fight,

With Your strength and might,
Come what may,
Nothing can stand in our way.

Well, I hope that has encouraged you.  Just keep going, whatever you're going through, you are stronger than you think.  Keep it up!

Photo credit: whatgodsaidtonight.blogspot.com






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Coping with Reflux Disease

23/9/2014

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My little boy, Eli, is nearly 6 months old and somehow, we have coped with the relentless regime so far.  Whenever I tell people he has reflux, I think most people tend to think of normal posseting and don't know how much of a big deal it is.  For those without children a posset is just a small mouthful of sick and all babies do this after a milk feed.  Our kind is of the projectile variety! 'So what's a bit of vomit?' I hear some people say.  That on its own is frustrating at the best of times.  When you get absolutely covered.  Needing to change the baby and yourself.  Thankfully it's only been so bad I needed a shower just the once.

But the worst part of it all is how never ending it is.  Ok, I agree, babies are hard work generally.  But oh, if we had the luxury of a 4 hour feeding regime and no medication, that would be bliss! With 3 hourly feeds around the clock, including special requirements and 8 lots of medication, check it out below what our daily routine entails.

The Schedule

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6am - Medication, 1st dose of Dom Peridone. This medication relaxes the sphincter to allow fluid to be drawn through.  One of the problems Eli has is that he struggles with large volumes of food.  Hence little and often with 3 hourly feeds.  Thankfully, my husband does this before going to work.  I'm not a 'morning person' and having a baby hasn't changed this! Being a night owl, going to bed early to get up early is somewhat alien to me!

6:30am - Milk feed.  My lovely husband does this too before work.

9am - Medication, 1st dose of Ranitidine.  This medication is for the acid.  Supposed to stop it coming back up.  This is where my day starts.  Eli hates this one and screams the house down.  It can take 5-10 minutes to squirt about 1ml of liquid into his mouth.

9:30 - 10:30am - Milk feed.  From the start this took us an hour, now we're mostly done in half an hour to 45 minutes.  We can't let him guzzle the whole lot in one go as he can't cope with it.  He'd just vomit.  So we have do about 30mls, then get a burp.  Again, no burps equals more vomit! Not so much now but we used to have to then pause for at least ten minutes before carrying on.  All the way through, hence why it takes so long.

12pm - Medication, 2nd dose of Dom Peridone. This one is a bit easier as he doesn't mind it as much as the Ranitidine.  But note, we only get an hour and a half in between feeds and medication.  Which carries on all through the day.  Not the luxury of 3 hours if he was on a 4 hour feeding schedule. 

12:30pm - Milk feed.

3pm - Medication, 2nd dose of that nasty Ranitidine.

3:30pm - Milk feed.

6pm - Medication, 3rd dose of Dom Peridone.

6:30pm - Milk feed.

8:30pm - Medication, Omeprazole.  This one is supposed to block the production of acid in the stomach.  My husband takes over from this point and often does the 6:30pm feed when he gets in from work.

9pm - Medication, 3rd and final dose of Ranitidine.

9:30pm - Milk feed.

11pm - Medication, 4th and final dose of Dom Peridone.

1am - Milk feed. Again, my husband does this one.

4am - Milk feed.  My turn for a night time feed.
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Recently, the schedule has changed again.  We started early weaning about a month ago (under the hospital's guidance).  But we kept up with the above schedule for 3 and a half months. (From when Eli was finally released from hospital in May).  The sleep deprivation was getting ridiculous! We still have 8 feeds a day, now 6 milk feeds and 2 solid feeds.  So still 3 hourly and all the medication.  Just no 4am feed thankfully.  We take it in turns to do the 1am instead so we at least get alternate nights of a long block of sleep.  It's better but somewhat of a tease! Every day  when I'm due to get up I just want to sleep forever.

I feel like this continues to get harder.  My dear Mum told me, (and I'd heard it from others too) that with having children, things don't necessarily get easier, the difficulties just change! But considering I work with and have experience of 2-5 year olds, I'm very much hoping it's at that point it will get easier.  Plus it's my favourite age, just when the conversation starts.  I love it, the things they come out with.  Such simple ways of looking at things, no worries, no cares, no inhibitions that some of us may carry as adults.

I was so looking forward to having my baby when I was pregnant.  I was somewhat delusional and so I'm told, most first time parents are.  But having reflux to deal with on top of the normal adjustment that 'your life is not your own anymore', it was and still is, a bit too much to deal with.  I read another blog somewhere about how reflux takes the joy out of parenthood.  I can really identify with this.  Even now, I ask God what the purpose of it all is for.  Remember, no point asking why when hardship comes.  Better to ask what the purpose is or what you're supposed to learn from it.  Strength of character, endurance, among other things are what have come from my trials and tribulations.  The worrying this is, the answer I received was 'to prepare you for what is to come'.  Very cryptic and not much of an answer! We shall see what God has in store for me.
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